


Behind the Curtain

by Lupinewings



Category: Backstrom (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2015-03-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 16:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3576990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lupinewings/pseuds/Lupinewings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter Niedermayer is more complex than people realize.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind the Curtain

The mistake so many people make about Peter Niedermayer is that Niedermayer is good and therefore, he must be stupid, weak, and/or navie. Niedermayer is many things but he is not innocent, stupid, or weak.He is, like many people, complex although he wishes he was not. Simple is something he longs for at times. Even more people think his life is easy. It is far from easy, although his unflappability often makes it seem so.

He struggles often to keep the peace he has obtained, obtained through years of dedicated practice. He dedicates himself to understanding, to looking past the image people present and see the soul. He tries to be compassionate and gentle, even though his work pushes him into the darkest corners of depravity. He tries even when he doesn’t want to, when caring and understanding is the last thing he wants to try. Yet it is who he is.

In being himself he has gained both admiration and derision. Sadly, some of the derision is from one he respects and cares for and the admiration is not always followed by curiosity or friendship. His own curiosity is insatiable, his caring deep, and he hides his heartaches. He is the sage many turn to, the listener, and the observer who is always willing to help.

Sometimes, he longs for deeper connections, knows those connections are his strength and his weakness. He cares for Nadia, started to fall for her, and wanted to help. They were--are--good friends, co workers, but the love, romantic love, never truly materialized. The potential and spark faded away, if indeed, it was ever there.

He blames himself and sometimes her--if blame is the right word. Sometimes he is grateful because love complicates. And he is good being solitary. He may be alone but he is not lonely. His spiritual and worldly travels taught him that years again. He also likes himself.

He misses sometimes the comfort of a lover’s touch, the affection. Yet he also knows who is he falling for. He pushes that away but hazel eyes and a sly smile haunt his dreams at times and he wakes, trembling.

He wants his balance, his steady, solitary home life and busy work life. Yet, when Valentine smiles at him, he is willing to risk it all. But Valentine won’t--he knows that--and it hurts when he thinks that. It has played out like this before, he the one who feels too deep. BUt he knows Valentine thinks of his abuser and how that man looked at him with more love than anyone else ever did. He wishes Valentine would look into other eyes and see he is more loved than he can imagine. 

He will simply watch and refuse to admit his heart is lost. He will take Backstrom’s derision with a mellow smile and stung soul, try to open his heart more and do his work even better. He will also keep trying to balance his life. Self denial is wrong and something he abhors but futility is harder. Sometime, his balance is dancing on a beam, other times is dancing on piano wire. This is wire but he’ll continue and enjoy what he can. The dance must continue because there’s nothing else to do. As usual, he will be alone. This time, however, he’s lonely.

**Author's Note:**

> Neidermayer is always so easy going. But most easy going people hide a lot. I wondered what he thinks about.


End file.
